


The Ultimate Dads

by PsychedelicatePoltergeist



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Comedy, Established Relationship, Gift Fic, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Light crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 16:51:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17450744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PsychedelicatePoltergeist/pseuds/PsychedelicatePoltergeist
Summary: Upon learning that Kaito and Rantaro are dating, Kokichi goads them into adopting him as their unofficial son. Hilarity ensues.





	The Ultimate Dads

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a friend as a birthday gift. Regrettably, she doesn't have an AO3 account that I know of, but I already posted this on Danganronpa Amino and she's read it over there, so yeah.
> 
> This fic is DEFINITELY rather different compared to my previous output. I've never written anything with so much focus on V3 characters (besides Takeoff) or meme references, at least in the past 3-4 years. Yeesh. I hope that I pulled this off well enough, though!

“Say…” Kokichi, with his elbows on the lunch table and his bento essentially forgotten, leaned forward and gazed at Kaito and Rantaro, sitting across from him and Shuichi, with a look that spelled trouble.

Kaito blanched. “Yeah?” he said. “What’re you up to this time?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking that Kirumi isn’t really a suitable mom anymore.” said Kokichi. “She’s always so cold and uptight! And besides, I figure I need some father figures in my life.”

“What are you getting at?” Rantaro asked. Kaito couldn’t tell if he was amused, curious or just as skeptical as he was.

“Patience, Rantaro! I’m getting to the good part!” Kokichi grinned with mirth. “See, you and Kaito are basically the class dads. Heck, if Kaede wasn’t the class rep, it probably would’ve been you! And I was thinking that now that you and Kaito are officially together, you can both be  _ my  _ dear fathers!”

“ _ What!? _ ” Kaito spluttered. He, Rantaro and Shuichi stared at their odd friend, flabbergasted.

Kokichi was unfettered by the reaction. “I mean, surely you guys want a kid at some stage, right? If I recall, getting one is quite an arduous process. You’re getting a son with no strings attached! You should be grateful!”

“Y-you’re really serious about this?” said Shuichi.

“Well, I’m not asking for much,” Kokichi replied. “I’m not expecting to share a dorm with either of them or anything. They can still sleep with each other with no interruption!”

The couple blushed. Kaito raised his fist, as though ready to strike. “Shut the hell up!”

“Neeheehee! You can punish me all you like whenever I step out of line!” The shorter boy winked.

“I’ll kill you-”

“I wouldn’t mind,” said Rantaro. “I feel like I’d make a pretty good father.”

“ _ Rantaro- _ ”

“Come on, what’s the big deal? There’s no harm in playing along.”

“ _ Fine, _ ” Kaito huffed. “Shut up and eat your lunch, or I’ll strangle you.”

Rantaro shot his boyfriend a reproachful look. “Actually, the punishment for not eating your lunch quietly will be to not leave your dorm after classes,” he said.

“Oh, so you’re gonna  _ ground  _ me?” Kokichi crowed. “And only for one night? My, my, you’re quite daring, Papa!”

“Well, you wanted me to be your father, and here I am acting like a father would…”

“But can you really lock me away in my own dorm?” Kokichi challenged.

“Well, you wouldn’t be able to escape through the window,” Shuichi piped up, “unless maybe you wanted to kill yourself…”

Kaito nodded in agreement. “Our dorms are on the third floor, after all. But you can count on the little brat to find some way to escape.”

“There  _ is  _ no other way to escape, besides the door,” said Kokichi.

“That’s a lie,” the three other boys chorused.

“Aw, you got me.” Kokichi rested his arms on the back of his head with a carefree smile. “Don’t worry, Papa and Daddy! I promise that I’ll be the best son I can possibly be!”

Kaito and Rantaro exchanged glances. That was  _ definitely  _ a lie.

☆☆☆☆☆

After that conversation, the four boys had managed to finish their lunches without incident before the bell sounded. They had now arrived at their next class, textbooks and pens in tow, waiting for their teacher to arrive.

“Say, Himiko.” Kokichi turned towards the Ultimate Magician, who was seated beside him, leaning forward in her seat with her arms crossed on her desk and her head down. “As of now, Kaito and Rantaro are my wonderful fathers. I was wondering if you would like to be part of the family! You can be my precious little sister.”

“No,” Himiko said flatly without looking up.

“Aww, why not?” Kokichi’s face crumpled, and he looked as though he was on the verge of tears. “It’s so lonely to be an only child! I could really use a sister to play with!”

“You’re annoying,” Himiko sighed.

“See, see? You’d make the perfect little sister! Come on,  _ pleeeeease? _ ”

“Leave her alone!”

Kokichi jumped at the loud voice. Tenko had appeared beside Himiko’s desk, glaring down at Kokichi with an annoyed look. He heard Himiko groan.

“Himiko wants nothing to do with a degenerate male like  _ you, _ ” Tenko continued. “I won’t let you drain her magic!”

“Go away…” Himiko mumbled, clearly more bothered by Tenko’s presence than Kokichi’s.

Tenko sighed. “I really need to ask Mori-sensei if Himiko can sit with the girls,” she said to herself.

“No,” Himiko said firmly. “I’m fine here.”

“But Himikoooooooo-!”

“What the fuck’s up with this depraved family I’m hearing about?” Miu interjected as she entered the classroom. Her gaze turned towards Kaito and Rantaro, as though she were seeking answers from them.

“Don’t ask me,” said Kaito. “It was that damn brat Kokichi’s idea.”

She turned to the Ultimate Supreme Leader in question, who now faced the front of the classroom, leaving Tenko to pester Himiko. “Well? Are you the devil spawn that that cabbage boy popped out?”

“You’re assuming that Rantaro was the one who gave birth,” said Kokichi with a knowing smirk.

Rantaro’s face was quickly becoming as green as his hair. “L-let’s not get too carried away, please.”

“They have more on the way!” Kokichi cried. “Lots more! They’re thinking of naming them after planets!”

“That’s the most outrageous lie I’ve ever heard!” Kaito shouted.

“This is so gross!” Tenko exclaimed. “Sweet, innocent little Himiko doesn’t need to hear any of this!” She covered both of Himiko’s ears, and the short girl grimaced.

“My dear little brother Mercury is gonna be here soon, right?” Kokichi railed on, turning his head back to face Kaito with wide, hopeful eyes.

Kaito was spared from the trouble of replying as Kaede entered the classroom and cleared her throat. Everyone fell silent as they turned towards their class representative.

“Mori-sensei will be here very shortly!” she announced. “Please take your seats and be quiet.”

Everyone obeyed. Tenko was very reluctant to part from Himiko and take her seat between Gonta and Korekiyo, but she did so diligently. Himiko sighed with relief as she did so.

Kaito and Rantaro, for their part, were grateful to Kaede for putting a stop to that awkward conversation.

☆☆☆☆☆

As days passed, Kaito clung to the hope that Kokichi would become bored of his little game and stop insisting that he and Rantaro were his fathers. He was never terribly fond of his childish classmate, but now, it seemed as though he never left them alone. Even Rantaro was beginning to grow tired of his hijinks, especially now that Kokichi had drawn all over his map and put his grimy fingerprints all over Kaito’s awards. Kaito had always seen raising a child as a fun challenge to undertake, but even he had to admit that he’d be driven to insanity if he had an actual child as cunning and mischievous as Kokichi.

On one lazy Sunday afternoon, Kaito descended the stairs from the dorms to the common room, slouching slightly. Rantaro looked up from his laptop, with which he’d been reading travel forums.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

Kaito sighed. “My potato chips went missing,” he replied. “Pretty sure it’s obvious who stole them. I didn’t even open the bag yet!”

“I’ll confront him.” Rantaro closed his laptop and rose to his feet.

“Good luck gettin’ him to cought it up,” Kaito called after him as he headed towards the stairwell.

“Don’t worry,” Rantaro assured him as he paused, turning his head back towards his boyfriend. “I’ll get the truth out of him, one way or another.”

He faced forward again and began to ascend the stairs. Once he’d reached the upper floor, he walked meticulously through the corridors in a search for Kokichi’s dorm. Each dorm had a small portrait of the student who possessed it attached to the door, which made the search much easier.

Eventually, he’d tracked down Kokichi’s dorm and knocked on the door, fully expecting the small boy to open up, with or without Kaito’s potato chips. He was stunned when the door opened to reveal Maki, who greeted him with a cold glare.

“What do you want?” she asked with a low, chilling tone of voice.

“Oh.” Rantaro put on a smile, not letting the Ultimate Asassin intimidate him. “I thought this was Kokichi’s dorm. Sorry if I disturbed you or anything.”

Maki’s brow furrowed. Her gaze turned towards the Kokichi portrait on her door. “It appears that he has switched the pictures around,” she said. She looked past Rantaro, and he turned to find her own portrait on the door right across the hall from her dorm. With a low, annoyed hum, she brushed past Rantaro, took both portraits down and placed each of them in their proper place. Then, she reentered her room and redirected her glare on Rantaro, as though he were the one responsible for the mixup.

“I’ll deal with him later,” she said. Then, without another word, she carefully closed the door.

Rantaro sighed in relief. That was a close one. He should’ve known that Kokichi would switch the portraits around. It just seemed like a Kokichi thing to do.

He turned towards the dorm on the opposite side of the hall and knocked on the door, hoping that this was truly Kokichi’s dorm. Sure enough, he heard the faint sound of rustling cellophane shortly before the door opened to reveal none other than the Ultimate Supreme Leader himself. His face immediately split into a grin. “Papa!”

“Can I come in?” said Rantaro.

“Of course, of course!” Kokichi cried as he held the door wide open. “I loooove visitors!”

Kokichi’s room was a rather eccentric little abode. It was very difficult for Rantaro to navigate, for the floor was cluttered with articles of clothing and half-empty boxes, as though Kokichi had never quite finished unpacking his belongings. Yet, somehow, he’d found the time to make his bed. The strangest thing, however, was the small whiteboard mounted just above his desk, where Kokichi had drawn some small doodles that surrounded the photos of his classmates. Beneath each photo, he’d written a short comment about the student in question. The handwriting was too small for Rantaro to decipher, however, and he didn’t want to spend too much time reading Kokichi’s whiteboard right now. He had more important things to do.

He turned towards his unofficial son with the sternest facial expression he could muster. “Hey, Kokichi.”

“Yes, Papa?” Kokichi gazed up at him with wide, painfully innocent eyes.

“Were you eating Daddy’s potato chips?”

Kokichi shook his head. “No, Papa.”

Rantaro quirked an eyebrow. “Telling lies again, huh?”

Kokichi shook his head again, a little harder this time. “No, Papa.”

Rantaro glanced down at Kokichi’s mouth, which was now firmly closed. “Open wide.”

“Nuh-uh-uh!” The wide grin returned to Kokichi’s face as he met Rantaro’s eyes, with a knowing gleam, for the briefest of moments. Then, before Rantaro could respond, he made a mad dash out of the room and down the corridor.

Rantaro had no choice but to run after him. He was a little nervous when he raced past Maki’s dorm, but fortunately she didn’t seem to be aware of what was going on. Kokichi, however, ran at an impressive speed, and it didn’t take long for Rantaro to lose sight of him.

By the time he was back in the common room, he found Kaito holding Kokichi in a tight grip as the latter shed his trademark crocodile tears, blubbering about how Papa was terrorising him and stealing his belongings. Or something like that. Rantaro didn’t really know or care about whatever far-fetched story he’d cooked up to get out of trouble this time.

All he knew was that, with Kokichi as his de-facto son, life at Hope’s Peak Academy was never boring. He knew that Kaito would disagree, believing that being surrounded by teen geniuses for classmates was exciting in itself, but he couldn’t complain. Maybe, one day, he and Kaito would father a real child, together, perhaps one as mischievious and entertaining as Kokichi.


End file.
